God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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