well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
