I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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