Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
