if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
