The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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