she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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