I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize