You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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