The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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