Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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