Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
