you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
