So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
