dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You've changed since you got that strap on
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
