I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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