Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
