On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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