They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
