I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
