I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
