true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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