i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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