if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
