Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
