I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
