Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
