She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
