He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
