He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
