I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
