Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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