Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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