nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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