okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
