i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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