The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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