Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
