How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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