I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Is it because I queefed?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
