Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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