While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
