I want you more than these girls want KFC
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
