I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
