i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
