My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Success! We fucked roommates!
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