In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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