Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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