You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
