My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
