I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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