your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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