I just threw up on my dentist
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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