So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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