Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
