Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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