tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
