He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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