if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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