Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize