I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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