I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
