A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
