on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Enjoy the penises
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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