Where is the hickey?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
